ASSumption JUNKtion #001

If this article is the coverage at NPR, where can we find real journalism that asks things like:

• Are we still 100% sure that brain chemicals/systems cause depression? (Just like how red bumps and a fever causes chicken pox, right?)
• Doesn't MSG contain the word "glutamate?" That couldn't possibly mean anything, right?
• Seriously, we're going to rattle of that list of pharmaceuticals thrown at people to treat depression and not even mention Cannabis? Depressing, indeed!
• Is it worth mentioning the unspoken assumption that drug companies can, should, and will isolate the properties of one chemical, then use that to make a whole new class of drugs that they will then sell us as the only/best way to make people feel OK in what is clearly a really messed up world? I for one am not really in to that scenario...

On a semi-related note, I saw this headline but never read the article. Sounds like a mess!

Hmmmmmm...

Also, HCMC called and said they found my boots, belt, and gloves. No word on my knife.

Gingrich name-dropping Alinsky

According to this NPR story, Newt Gingrich is bringing Saul Alinsky into today's political conversation. Great! Hopefully a lot of people will be inspired to check out Rules for Radicals and apply Alinsky's lessons to today's problems. I have a copy I could lend out if I don't get around to starting it again first...

To whom it may concern,

Thank you for the delightful (!!!) Email. You wouldn't believe some of the things people have responded with - the worst always following the, "I didn't take the time to ... let's get together to chat! Love, xx" format...
You, on the other hand, invite me to bring my lady-friend, Leah, out to meet y'all and talk over all the stuff we have to talk about over something you love to cook! :)
Talk soon,
Gautschi

nuthouse in a nutshell

I haven't really spelled out what has been going on in my life lately (two stints at the HCMC psych ward, in its shortest form), just given glimpses and innuendo. Unfortunately, glimpses are basically the only way I can sensibly shed light on the experience, and this will probably be, at least for quite some time, the most light I try to aim in its direction through writing.

First of all, this post is a pretty good summary of my thoughts on the role of psychology/mental health in our world (if you don't know my answer to the rhetorical question at the end of the post, you might be well-served to just stop reading now and use your time some other way.) Those attached to categorizing the recent events in my life as a problem to be solved will usually conclude that it represents a manic episode related to bipolar disorder. I certainly understand that under the currently prevalent medical model, this is a good guess.

However, the mainstream model doesn't fit with my experience. Instead, I feel that the interpretation I referred to in a previous post (make sure you watch both of the videos I linked to) fits better with my recent experience, as well as when I "went crazy" shortly after I got back from Ecuador. Finally, if you wish to obtain any insight into how I understand almost anything about the human mind, and my mind in particular, you will need to be familiar with the ideas in the video I linked to in this post.

Now, I like to consider myself a realist. Very few of you just took almost an hour to watch all those videos, much less time to poke around beyond that. Regardless, please enjoy these three songs which have meant a lot to me as I've been on this journey. (The partial lyrics are those that were particularly relevant to my experience)



Fall Awake by Stuart Davis

I was a curious boy with a wandering mind
on a hungry search undefined
in a rigid school full of concrete thought,
a structured day and all that brought
Logic ground in repeatable facts
my big energy faded back
They gave me far less than they stole
they packed my head and they drained my soul

It was an instant lift, my mind grew light
a lucid dream of a graceful flight
I'm a timeless entity cloaked in skin,
the eye of the universe turning in

It's a world too dense with material toys
and signals laced with a lot of white noise
But there's a place in me that scientists
can't explain so they just get pissed (dismiss)



Unfortunately, I can't embed Gnarls Barkley's Crazy, the best of the three videos in my opinion...

I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

You really think you're in control
Well, I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably




Ready to Start by Arcade Fire

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
Then I guess I'll just begin again
You say, "can we still be friends?"

If I was scared... I would
And if I was bored... you know I would
And if I was yours... but I'm not

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But they bow to down to him anyway
It's better than being alone

Now I'm ready to start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start

free at last

I'm a free man again. For now with no phone and not a lot of interest in checking email frequently. If that sounds like it will be impossible to find me, I guess it may be time to think outside the box...
PeaceOut,
Gautschi

My 72 Hour Hold

From: Ryan Gautschi [additional flare & typos by LRBS]
To: HCMC Psych Medical Staff

      Tonight I was placed on a 72-hour hold on the basis of misunderstanding, mistrust, and misapplication of sensible rules.  Overall, I think it was dramatic mistake, and that my accusation that this act violated the Hippocratic Oath-is true in both a mental health and a material sense.  I hope that this letter will belp clarify the situation, and lead to my speedy release from your supervison.
     I have studied psychology for nearly half of my life, an interested sparked by my high school psych teacher's passion and devotion to both his students and his counseling practice.  I understand now given the limited evidence, medical staff could draw any one of several false conclusions about my condition and prognosis I will not lend credence to any of them by listing them here.
     Despite my interest in psychology, I have long held the mental health system at arms length, choosing to deal with my emotional stresses through self-exploration and conversation with my broad network of friends and family.  My cynicism about professionalizing the solution of out mental health program was honed to a razor of resentment by the manner in which I entered the system.  I have always resisted coersion of any sort, and have never placed in handcuffs against my will.  To be dragged by bruised wrists into a system whose merits I doubt was an extremely jarring experience which I may never understand beyond learning how to avoid it, which I have.  But, of before I acted repeatedly on the strong mistrust I was feeling my biggest regret is setting the stage with this opening scene.
     Once I calmed down and accepted my place in the system, I began to experience the sharp and stinging frustration sensible rules being applied to an exceptional experience.  No single doctor or staff member was able to tell me the reason for my continued incareration, get a parade of doctors came by to ask me a couple questions, suggest I take some drugs and move on.  Mean while I tried to adapt from a hectic but generally healthy lifestyle on the outside, to a 11-ring circus of paranoia, anxiety, and depression that is HCMC Psych.  Instead of hummus and pita I got meat loaf and gravy.  Instead of long walks with the dog, I got endless pacing in a fishbowl.  Instead of screen time limited to emails and TED talks, I got the endless drone of commercial television.  It was not hard to imagine that the hospital is actually trying to drive me crazy.  Again, I understand why the rules are as such, but do not appreciate the inflexibility with which they are interpreted, nor the condensation that meets nearly any questioning of them.
    My thoughts have never been well-organized, but to those willing to listen they have always made sense.  I realize lately that I have pushed that distinction past the point where my loved ones feel comfortable, and for that I am sorry.  However, every hour I spend in this place only adds to their hurt and my sorrow.  More concretely, every hour I spend here makes it hared to believe that I will be able to attend classes this semester.  If I am unable to go to class, I will lose several key supports in my life, dramactially adding to my current stress load.  If I  cancel my classes this spring, I don't know how I will find health insurance, help for my pending divorce, career counseling, or even the money for my next trip to the grocery store.  As experienced professionals, you have to realize that this is hardly a recipe for successful recovery of an acute mental health episode cause by a building of everyday stresses.  Staff and services have helped me on my journey of self discovery but they are no longer needed.  I know whom, how, and why to ask for help when I need it.  In the name of the father of modern medicin and his oath, please stop harming me with medical intervention into my personal life.  Please read me.
Thanks,
Ryan Gautschi

Mental health update

I put in my request to be released from HCMC (a strange requirement considering I came in as a voluntary patient, I'd say) within twelve hours at 330 p.m., so unless someone comes up with a rational basis to keep me here past then, I will be out in the real world some time this evening...

Where, you ask?

HCMC again, B4 this time as a matter of fact. Still waaaaay tooooooo crazy to manage my own affairs in the real world, apparently.

Anyone who thinks this is essentially a problem with my past actions and my inability to explain them, please come visit me to help me pass the time until I'm free.

If you think this is something fundamental about me, and that I should fall back into line like I usually have when my heart conflicts with the expectations of society, please stay away until you're ready to trust that I'm OK.

See you in the real world, but not before you're ready...

All my love,

Ryan

Mo drama

I'd like to wish ALL of my Leadership Academy Class 11 friends a very HAPPY NEW YEAR and a joyous HOLIDAY SEASON...best of luck in 2012...looking forward to seeing you all in Mpls in July!!

---

Joe, if you want to say it to ALL of the group, facebook isn't the way! :p
Happy New Year, to all of y'all! :)
PS - as far as I know there are only four people getting this email (mostly big angry-bird players if my memory serves) who aren't welcome to join the facebook group, but I completely understand why some of you choose not to...

---

Happy New Year Ryan and Joe!

---

What's with your e-mail to LA11? What was that all about?

---

I just noticed that you and Joe are Facebook friends. Why would you send that e-mail to everyone? Some people are not in the LA11 group because they wish to avoid the same type of controversy and petty crap that you seem to be trying to stir up with your e-mail. Those same things were happening with the google e-mail too. That's why many people do not respond to those e-mails either. These issues occurred many moths ago when a lot of things were heated within our group. Things are not that way now, but you chose to re-open this. Why? It's not necessary and it is most un-welcomed.

---

You never answered my e-mail. What was up with that google group e-mail that you sent?

---

So, I've asked you a couple different times about that e-mail and you haven't responded to any of them. I guess I have my answer that you were just trying to start shit. Hell, even if you were just drunk-e-mailing, it would be somewhat of an excuse. You won't even own up to that, so I guess I have to just go on the assumption that you were trying to start shit. It's too bad that you can't get beyond that trivial bullshit from 8 months ago. Move on, Ryan. The rest of us have. I wish you the best with the things going on your life. Be strong and take care.

---

Actually, you've done what the old saying says happens when you make an assumption, ****...
The reason you haven't heard back from me is because I've been trying to follow Jimmy W's 48 hour rule. I'll go back one by one and answer your emails now

---

Joe, if you want to say it to ALL of the group, facebook isn't the way! Because not everyone is on facebook, not everyone will get a message sent to the facebook group. However, I felt confident, based on the the text of Joe's message [I'd like to wish ALL of my Leadership Academy Class 11 friends a very HAPPY NEW YEAR and a joyous HOLIDAY SEASON...best of luck in 2012...looking forward to seeing you all in Mpls in July!!] (CAPS emphasis in original, bold emphasis added), that he actually intended to send it to ALL 28 of his classmates. I have since confirmed my understanding with Joe. :p This is an emoticon meant to represent someone sticking their tongue out. Because subtlety, context, and emotion are harder to convey through text than more intimate forms of communication, such symbols have come into use to help make sure that things are read in the proper tone. In this case, I felt it was appropriate to convey to Joe that I was teasing him in a friendly way about not being super clear about how technology works and trying to help him be more effective in his communications in the future (by using the proper medium). I didn't want him to think I was forwarding it to make him feel dumb, nor did I want anyone to misinterpret his sending a message to facebook as his deliberate omission of some of the class.
Happy New Year, to all of y'all! This was my attempt to add my own New Year's well-wishes to Joe's. I don't know how I could have been more clear. :) An emoticon indicating happiness. Now that I'm breaking this 30-second email down after thinking about it off and on for 4 days straight, I must admit: this emoticon is redundant, weakens other emoticons in the work, and should have been omitted.
PS - as far as I know there are only four people getting this email (at this point I am getting a little ambiguous, but I figured most people would tend to jump right to one answer when asked, "Who are the four people on the LA11 google list are somehow different than the rest?") (mostly big angry-bird players if my memory serves) this parenthetical was meant to clarify the previously mentioned ambiguity. I definitely remember many people teasing the instructors about playing angry birds when not teaching, right? who aren't welcome to join the facebook group, but I completely understand why some of you choose not to... I myself have been off of facebook completely at various points, and was very late among my peers to get on in the first place. Privacy concerns and time-sucking concerns are just two that resonate with me the most. I was just trying to make clear that I don't hold it against anyone (or even question the motivations of anyone) who isn't on facebook. 

---

OK, I just sent two emails. If we could condense this conversation down to one medium (probably email is best?) I think that would be great...

---

Go ahead and try to back peddle. I'm not the only one who thought your e-mail was out of line. As far as the "48 hour" rule is concerned; that's BS. All I asked in my original e-mail was "What's up with the google group e-mail?". There was nothing accusatory in that statement and therefore no need to take time to collect your thoughts or feelings. I find the explanation of your e-mail to be lame and condescending.

I don't want to discuss this anymore with you. I want to look back at the LA experience and think good things, not the petty things. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

---

Go ahead and try to back peddle.

U seem inclined to disbelieve everything I say. So it seems useless to try to tell you I'm not backpeddling, even though it's true.

I'm not the only one who thought your e-mail was out of line.

I'm sorry to hear that.

As far as the "48 hour" rule is concerned; that's BS.

No, it's not - you've Assumed again (see below).

All I asked in my original e-mail was "What's up with the google group e-mail?". There was nothing accusatory in that statement and therefore no need to take time to collect your thoughts or feelings.

All of this is true, but only 41 minutes passed between that email and your next. In that time I was loading my vehicle with luggage and my children so that I could take them back to north dakota. Your first email only confused me, and I didn't have a chance to ask for clarification before I received your 2nd email, which I felt I should take some time to respond to.

I find the explanation of your e-mail to be lame and condescending.

I'm sorry you thought it was lame I thought it was rather clever. It was certainly condescending but only in a sarcastic way.
I don't want to discuss this anymore with you.

I've never understood anyone who thought they had the right to unilaterally declare a discussion over, and also claimed the last word. Especially a last word in such an inflammatory tone. Whether or not you want me to say something will hardly ever influence whether or not I say it.

I want to look back at the LA experience and think good things, not the petty things.

Yet look at all you infer from my simple sincere email...

Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

Samesies...

---

Ryan, my statement about not wanting to continue this was not meant as a brush off. I merely meant that both of us have better and more meaningful things to be doing than going back and forth over something this trivial. I have always enjoyed our conversations and I honestly do wish you the best.

Horoscope

I long and loudly voiced my skepticism of horoscopes and other means of foretelling the future.

Saturday, I read my horoscope like I usually do when I work at Al's. The stressors in your life will come to bear on your ability to resist temptation. The best way to stick to your plans for yourself is to reduce your stress through exercise and/or meditation.

That night, I went to Liquor Lyle's, the Red Dragon, and Mortimer's with Dana's co-workers at Wells Fargo and various other associates. On the way there, I had the bad manners to get into first a tense discussion, then something even less appropriate, Tonia. The turning point was when, after 20 minutes of around and around about how she needed me to help her meet her 4 p.m. deadline to turn in a letter to Ward County Social Services, she answered my request for clarification of a previous statement with, You're basically, no offense, a deadbeat dad.

I have bitten my tongue until it bleeds about this issue, but I couldn't resist temptation this time. Maybe it was having pawned some audio equipment early that day so I could make it until student aid came through. Maybe it was the email I just got saying that my degree proposal was not accepted. Maybe it was the thought of my first meeting of new people at a bar since i resolved to drink only water this year.

I don't know which stressor of straw broke the camel's back but it snapped, and so did I.

If I could take back or remember every word, of course.

I think I took the middle road, there were plenty of paths that that I passed that led deeper, straight to the thick of the dark and forbidden forest of her heart...

Dana, having put up with way too much of her least favorite thing, called for meditation. Shut UP! A dumb consumption of Doomtree's Veteran is in order! We mostly respected our unspoken vow of silence and added Slow Burn to our passed-out-in-a-parked-car impression session.

The walk between bars was longer than I thought, and after six hours of darkness there was finally a chill in the January air. I shouldn't have left my jacket in the car. At least I got to do some fitness...

Sunday morning, I went to re-read the previous horoscope from one of the unsold copies waiting to be returned. Accepting reality is the first step to co-creating it... What? That's not it! Oh, that's Friday's, oops. There's Saturday's. Wow, that really does seem to fit! Onto business - get in omelette mode!

Although I slept until eight, that only added up to eight in two nights, fewer than the "eight" I worked between. Short an employee and starting behind the eight-ball from a mess of a Saturday, I had the most difficult day of work at Al's in memory.

The thought of spending the last week of winter vacation digging out from under a paper blizzard and working two half-shifts at a job I'm a bit sick of was enough to put me on the first train I could conjure into my mind. DC? LA? NYC? WTFC, get me out of here.

If I would have been able to pack to my satisfaction, I would have been on the train to Chicago, carrying mostly crazy ideas and more books than sense would allow. I maintained my resolve to make sleep a priority, and deferred my dream for another day. By morning I could abandon that plan for a staycation in the only city I'll probably really love in this lifetime.

At lunch with Mickey, I grabbed a seat and he drinks. I noticed a stray section of newspaper, clearly the star tribune's comics. So, I snatched it to check the horoscope. Accepting reality is the first step... Friday's newspaper is really still laying on the counter on Monday, and I accept that my next step is to finally read what I almost read on Saturday.

Accepting reality is the first step to co-creating it. Your will is strong, but the universal will is stronger. You'll defer to it as you realize that any other move would be pointless.

Curious, I checked Sunday's. You will feel absolutely driven to start and finish a certain project all in one day. It's as though you are overtaken by the desire to do so. Ask yourself what deeper motive you might be trying to accomplish.

Age of extremes

I had a long discussion on the bus today with a person called Omar, sparked by his holding a copy of The Age of Capital: 1848-1875, by Eric Hobsbawm. Capital is the second in a series of four books by Hobsbawm, spanning from 1789 to 1991 (see below).

Looking at Omar's book, I wondered: if the age of capital ended in 1875, what came next?

So I asked.

Omar explained the series of books and the approximate dates associated with each. The title made sense in this context, so I asked another question.

What ended the age of extremes, and what age are we in now?

Omar said he believed that Extremes ended around 1975 (presumably this was an older edition, or Omar mis-remembered), but that his understanding was that Eric would say we are still in the age of extremes. Omar and I agreed quickly, quietly, and with a knowing chuckle that Eric was right, and then both added that we thought a change of age was in store before long.

Omar said he thought we were about to have world war three.

Really?

Yes, there is just too much tension, too much hatred, too much energy. It has to be dissipated somehow.

A diversion. Do you know the basic laws of thermodynamics? I ask.

Ummm.

The idea that, in a physical sense, no energy can be created or destroyed - only moved around.

Omar understood this, having earned a degree in civil engineering. Does this other kind of energy follow the same rules?

Omar believes it does, and that this energy is so great because of the great number of people, and the many conflicts between groups of people.

I piped in one of my current favorite ideas: that the underlying cause of much mental/psychological illness is the complete disconnect between modern societies and the societies we are evolutionarily adapted to live in.

We drifted back to the immense social energy built up in the world, and hoped it will somehow be redirected, rather than blown off the old-fashioned way...

Omar asked if I was a student at the U. He is too. A junior now, in economics. His degree from his home nation is not recognized here, so he had to start over as a freshman with zero credits. Omar shared my enthusiasm for engineering. He seemed content with the change, but frustrated that job prospects would force him to earn an advanced degree. No jobs in social science.

I explained my situation, and how I ended up back in school. I mentioned planned happenstance.

He offered his condolences, which I accepted, noting the sincerity in this stranger's voice.

I've moved on, I said. It was difficult, but I am starting to make sense of it, and look forward to the new paths that are open to me.

Omar was ready to move on, too. I pointed him toward the student union, and went back to playing on my cell phone.

Butterfly effect

Metaphorically speaking...

Missing person?

I'm looking for the human who made and/or posted this, have you seen it?

Santorum finally in the headlines

The word "Santorum" seems to be on everyone's tongues this morning. I've been a long-time reader and listener of Dan Savage, so I've been familiar with the man, the mess and the legend for a long time. Now that he's really spilled onto the national scene, I'm just taking a moment to enjoy headlines like:

Out of Santorum’s Lean Operation, a Muscular Result (with the page title "Iowa Caucus Tests Santorum Surge"!!!)
Romney, Santorum in Dead Heat
Santorum declares 'Game on'
Santorum Neck-and-Neck with Romney
I hope you enjoy them, too! :)